Do they use incorrect pronouns for you? Are they keeping you from queer spaces? Or tell you no one else will ‘accept you’? These are red flags. Intimate relationship abuse, or intimate partner violence, can happen to anyone and it can happen in LGBTQ+ relationships.
“With the term, intimate partner violence, the mind goes straight away to physical abuse and very violent actions: punching, hitting, things like that. But actually, the abuse queer people very often will face is emotional abuse. So often it can kind of fly under the radar because it’s not seen as abuse because it’s not ‘violence’.” – Mary Hayes, Too Into You Project Coordinator speaking to GCN
If the person, you’re dating
– tells you that you’re not queer enough
– makes fun of your gender expression
– misgenders you and purposely uses the wrong pronouns
– threatens to out you to friends, family, or your work
-mocks and insults your identity or how you present
– keeps you from LGBTQ+ spaces
-tells you to prove your queerness
-controls your access to gender affirming care
these are red flags for abuse.
No matter how you identify or who you’re attracted to, you deserve respect and care. You don’t deserve red flags.
Abuse is about control and manipulation. It’s a pattern of behaviours that make you feel afraid, anxious, or isolated.
One form of emotional abuse that often happens is lovebombing. This usually happens at the start of a relationship, and it can be difficult to recognise. It may even seem romantic.
But if their grand gestures begin to feel overwhelming, they deliberately ignore your boundaries, or demand all of your time, that’s not normal and that’s not love. It’s control and abuse.
You can read about the types of abuse here and you can listen to our discussion with James O’Hagan, coordinator of the LGBTQI+ Intimate Partner Violence Network. At LGBT Ireland on the Too Into You podcast to learn more about control and abuse in LGBTQ+ relationships.
Remember, you deserve love, respect, kindness, and trust. 🌈💖☀️🏳️⚧️ You don’t deserve red flags.
If you’re worried about your relationship, you can use the chat service here at toointoyou.ie for support or reach out to the helplines.
☎️ LGBT Ireland: 1800 929 596
📞 Women’s Aid: 1800 341 900